Friday, May 30, 2008

Light Blogging

Just to let my loyal readers know, blogging will probably be light for the next few weeks, relatively speaking. And no, not because of my other engagement, where blogging will also be light. Work and home life (moreso work) are pretty much brewing a perfect storm (not necessarily in a bad way), so something's gotta give. I'll try to stick to my at-least-once-a-week rule, though, so fear not! Feel free to browse my older posts (comin' on 3 years worth now!) and leave some comments in them. It's fun in a completely narcissistic way to go back and read what I wrote a while ago anyhow!


Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Those Big Nerds @ NRO

The Indispensable Geraghty™ discusses yet another hagiographic description of President-Presumptive Barack Hussein Obama in this post, with the glowing description from a piece in Esquire:
“And in this corner,” she begins.

(Oh, dear Lord, no.)

“The candidate of the people. Skinny young man. Big ears. Funny name. Armed with the experience of humble beginnings. Educated in Ivy League suites. Trained in legislative seats. Toughened in inner-city streets.”

(Okay, this is more like it.)

“Wearing the helmet of good judgment.”


“The breastplate of hope. Wielding the shield of unity. Carrying the sword of truth. And feet marching to the beat of change!”

Typical pap from the media and Obama-cultists. What cracked me up was Geraghty's follow-on:
Other magical items carried by Obama include the Aura of Inevitability, the Cult of Personality, the Complex of the Messiah, the Cloak of Invisibility for Unsavory Associates and Mentors, the Wand To Declare Unfavorable Issues 'Distractions' and most powerful of all, the Amulet of Journalists' Devotion to a Heroic Narrative, which adds +2d6 to all saving throws against scrutiny.

Pure. Comedy. Gold. Apparently all the coolest NROniks played (still play?) D&D. I wonder if there's a Vorpal Sword of Audacity in the latest 3.5 ruleset...

And if you don't get any of the above, don't worry; it just means you're not yet as big a nerd as I am.

Labels: ,

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I'm Famous Again!

Longtime readers know that I have, sporadically, enjoyed a two-way correspondence with one of my heroes, Jonah Goldberg, author of Liberal Fascism. Well, I didn't elicit a response from him with my latest missive: rather, I got it posted to his book-blog! Hooray!

And once again, I failed to plug the blog; moreover, he has a standing policy of redacting correspondent names unless express permission is given in advance, which of course I didn't think to do. Drat!

And to prevent this post from being completely content-free, here is my email, also available at the link:
Mr. Goldberg,

That email you posted today reminds me of something I recently concluded as I plod through your book (I'm the plodder -- your book is actually quite enthralling). Particularly in regard to your discussions of Nazism and Italian Fascism, it seems to me that there are two possible honest reactions to the book: either a rejection of modern progressivism because of its ties to fascism, or -- and here's a helluva unintended consequence for you -- the rehabilitation of Fascism in the eyes of the Left! I could particularly see them latching onto your own observations that Mussolini didn't start mistreating the Jews until the very end, or learning to disassociate the Holocaust from Hitler's social and economic agenda ("We all agree the Holocaust was a horrible, horrible thing, BUT...")

On the plus side, if they did take the latter path rather than the former, it'd be all that much easier to ridicule them. Of course, that's like transforming shooting fish in a barrel to shooting fish in a smaller barrel with a bigger gun.

My only regret is that I wish I had written "...shooting dumber fish in a smaller barrel with a bigger gun". That would have been funnier.

Labels: ,

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Stupidest Man Alive

Fugly movie producer Robert "Mutt" Lange and Only-Reason-To-Ever-Listen-To-Country-Music Shania Twain (above) are splitting up, apparently due to his infidelities. Can I just take this opportunity to declare Mr. Lange to be the most amazingly stupid and blinkered individual to ever walk the face of the earth?

Ms. Twain, Canadian though you may be, you'll always have a place in my heart, ever since I as a young lad saw you in this.

(Disclaimer: Mrs. Red Shirt is fully aware of my sad little life-long crush. At least mine tend toward the stereotypical-male sort. Hers are a bit weirder.)


Obama Rewrites Corrects History

(note: this piece of news was inspired entirely by Marty, so I must give credit where credit is due. Also, what follows below is a pre-publication edited draft copy I dug out of the AP's trash bin.)

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Barack Hussein Obama, in trying to distance himself from life-long pastor casual acquaintance Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has begun incorporating images into his campaign reflecting his newly minted image as a man of conviction genuinely pious and faith-filled life. Most recently, this includes a flier to Kentuckian God-clingers voters (pictured), outlining the message of Obama's campaign: "Hope. Faith. Change". When asked for comment, Obama himself said "Well, as you know, I have been a Christian ever since I was a Musl -- ever since I was a child. And one of my favorite verses from the Kor -- the Christian Bible (redact Mr. Obama's accidental and completely meaningless stutters, since we all know he's much more articulate than this -- ed.) has always been First Corinthians 13:13, which says 'But now faith, hope, change, abide these three; but the greatest of these is change.' And I'm really just trying to be the living incarnation of everything the Bible teaches. You know, like Jesus, only more so."

President-Elect Senator Obama's statement of Christian scripture riled many individuals on grounds of inaccuracy, according to some obscure whackos. The Associated Press sought comment from the most conservative religious thinker on file. When asked for comment, a spokesman from the Union Theological Seminary said "Clearly, Mr. Obama takes a righteously progressive view of scripture, which is a living document. And living things grow and change with the times. And the liberties he has taken in re-writing the Bible just show that he is, indeed, a man who loves Liberty."

Other changes corrections proposed by Barack Hussein Obama (why are you trying to smear Obama by daring to state his middle name? -- ed.) include:

-Matthew 5:9, "Blessed are the appeasers, for they will be called Sons of God"

-John 1:1, "In the beginning was the word Obama, and the word Obama was with God, and the word Obama was, for all intents and purposes, God"

-Revelation 3:20, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come into him and dine with him, and he with me, on a suitable, low-fat, low-carbohydrate, fair-trade, organic, vegan meat-substitute."

-Revelation 22:13, "I am the Omega, and the Beta, and the Alpha, and the Mu, and the Alpha again, the beginning, middle, and end"

Reaction from the media and intellectual classes include "Bold", "Daring", "Courageous", "Timely", and "Downright Jeffersonian".


Monday, May 19, 2008

Obama Declares Own Candidacy Off Limits

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- After declarations that his middle name, personal history, close business associates, friends and neighbors, life-long spiritual mentors, and now even his wife are all "off-limits" when discussing the merits of his candidacy, U.S. Senator and Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama today announced that, in fact, his whole campaign, the fact that he is running for President, and his entire legislative career are now officially banned topics in both the media and Republican circles.

"I think I've made it clear that my candidacy is about Hope and Change and Faith," declared Senator Obama in a press conference Monday, "and it's just unfair for the Republican Hate Machine to smear that message with irrelevant facts about my voting record, my stand on the issues, or my complete lack of legislative accomplishment."

When asked for further comment about the chilling effect this might have on free speech during a vital political contest, an Obama spokesman who asked not to be named because his name was irrelevant to Obama's campaign said "Obama's non-record speaks for itself, so why should other people speak for it? That would be putting words into Obama's record's mouth." When pressed for more details, the unidentified spokesman immediately fell into a trance, chanting "hopechangefaithobaaaaaamaaaaa" repeatedly while standing in a Zen-like meditative pose.


Thursday, May 15, 2008

An Open Letter To A Geographical Region

Dear California,

In light of the recent ruling of the Supreme Court of the people who live in you, would it be too much trouble to just go ahead and fall off into the ocean?

The Only Red Shirt

p.s. Please give my in-laws time to flee.


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Stop the Presses!

Straight from our friends in the mainstream media: "Experts: 'Indiana Jones' Pure Fiction". Oh holy crap on a crap cracker, I get down on my knees and thank the Good Lord by whom I am fearfully and wonderfully made that brave, intrepid reporters over at CNN are on the ball on that one!

Folks, we can all sleep soundly tonight without fear that any of the Indiana Jones movies are actually based on real historical events. God speed you, CNN!


Friday, May 09, 2008

Obligatory Means Fun!

In fulfillment of my promise to post at least one post here per week, here we go: I'm sick, hence my lack of recent posts. Been sick since Monday. Miserable, sore-throat, funky-sinuses, chronic coughing, strange-colored-phlegm sick (one particular phlegmular event reminded me of nothing short of wet bacon). Not that that prevented me from going to work each day, where I am particularly busy and will be for the next five weeks (not that that typically slows my blogging down, but in this case...). Anywho, hooray for NyQuil, and hopefully I'll be a bit more chipper and productive by Monday.

The most interesting part of this particular sickness is that, as of today, I can taste nothing, despite being able to breath just fine. I drank a Coke that, literally, tasted like soda water (Mrs. Redshirt assured me that it tasted fine to her). The sweet sweet tamale-rito* that I concocted for lunch was a big log of mush in my mouth. On the plus side, I also cannot taste the Corona left over from my in-laws recent visit that I am drinking as I write this (strictly for self-medicating purposes, I assure you).

So to prevent this blog from completely devolving into some sort of kiddie livejournal piece of frippery, here is a fascinating and amusing story told in pictures, involving the Wee Redshirt and the family cat, Newton (after the scientist, not the fruit bar). Feel free to add your own captions, or even create a stirring plot:

*Instructions for a tamale-rito: Step 1: Get Mexican In-laws. To accomplish this, either a) marry a Mexican, or b) persuade a sibling to marry a Mexican. Adoption may be another avenue. Step 2: Have them bring you some hand-crafted tamales and fresh flour tortillas when they visit. The best way to get them to do this is by ensuring that, of their six children, only one of them has happened to have any progeny yet (who you helped create), and thus, they owe you, man. Step 3: Heat the tortilla on a griddle. Step 4: Spread sour cream, Tapatio hot sauce, avocado (or guacamole, if made by an Authentic (or Honorary) Mexican), and, if available, refried frijoles on one side of the tortilla. Step 5: Place the tamale on the sauced-up side of the tortilla. Step 6: Wrap it up and eat it! Amazing that, after centuries of culinary development, it took a juero like me to invent this divine creation.

Friday, May 02, 2008

A True Conversation This Very Day

Here are some (almost) completely unedited snippets from a series of emails I exchanged with one of my oldest and dearest friends today, who I will call "Cliff", because that's his name:


Oh, in other news, thanks for reminding me to tell you something: WE'RE PREGNANT AGAIN!!!

And based on <Mrs. Redshirt>'s calculations, the baby will be due at almost precisely the new year. I'll induce on Dec. 31 if I have to for tax purposes. Interestingly, that means that the baby could be born on Christmas, New Years Day, my birthday, or even your birthday, depending on how things go. Craziness.

Congratulations! And by the statement, "we're pregnant" I assume you mean Yoanna and not you because if you're pregnant too, then I'm really frightened.

For what it is worth, my mom still reminds me to this very day that I was due on December 26 and I cost her the 1977 tax deduction. She just won't let it go…

Well, that's a funny story involving a rare radioactive isotope... on the plus side, though, I can also shoot laser beams out of my eyeballs.

You need to stop hanging out in the nuclear chemistry lab…especially now that you are pregnant.

Actually, I was bitten by a radioactive female wombat. Fortunately, as a marsupial, I will carry the new child in my pouch until it turns 18. AND I can fight crime! I shall call myself Wombat(wo)man!

But seriously, please keep us in your prayers. <snip>

We'll be praying…

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that my friends are almost exactly as weird as I am. Funny how we gather around ourselves people of similar dispositions, whether consciously or not.

Only 1 more and I get my "Propagating the Species" merit badge!

Labels: ,

By My Own Hand

I made the above image all my myself in Windows Paintbrush, shamelessly ripping some freely available internet "art", for use in this post over at my other home. Being the self-indulgent narcissist that I am, I'm just so tickled at it that I decided to post it over here too, for all to revel in. Enjoy, and please, print it out and slap it on your favorite ronpaulian crank!

Labels: ,