Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Obama Rewrites Corrects History

(note: this piece of news was inspired entirely by Marty, so I must give credit where credit is due. Also, what follows below is a pre-publication edited draft copy I dug out of the AP's trash bin.)

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Barack Hussein Obama, in trying to distance himself from life-long pastor casual acquaintance Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has begun incorporating images into his campaign reflecting his newly minted image as a man of conviction genuinely pious and faith-filled life. Most recently, this includes a flier to Kentuckian God-clingers voters (pictured), outlining the message of Obama's campaign: "Hope. Faith. Change". When asked for comment, Obama himself said "Well, as you know, I have been a Christian ever since I was a Musl -- ever since I was a child. And one of my favorite verses from the Kor -- the Christian Bible (redact Mr. Obama's accidental and completely meaningless stutters, since we all know he's much more articulate than this -- ed.) has always been First Corinthians 13:13, which says 'But now faith, hope, change, abide these three; but the greatest of these is change.' And I'm really just trying to be the living incarnation of everything the Bible teaches. You know, like Jesus, only more so."

President-Elect Senator Obama's statement of Christian scripture riled many individuals on grounds of inaccuracy, according to some obscure whackos. The Associated Press sought comment from the most conservative religious thinker on file. When asked for comment, a spokesman from the Union Theological Seminary said "Clearly, Mr. Obama takes a righteously progressive view of scripture, which is a living document. And living things grow and change with the times. And the liberties he has taken in re-writing the Bible just show that he is, indeed, a man who loves Liberty."

Other changes corrections proposed by Barack Hussein Obama (why are you trying to smear Obama by daring to state his middle name? -- ed.) include:

-Matthew 5:9, "Blessed are the appeasers, for they will be called Sons of God"

-John 1:1, "In the beginning was the word Obama, and the word Obama was with God, and the word Obama was, for all intents and purposes, God"

-Revelation 3:20, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come into him and dine with him, and he with me, on a suitable, low-fat, low-carbohydrate, fair-trade, organic, vegan meat-substitute."

-Revelation 22:13, "I am the Omega, and the Beta, and the Alpha, and the Mu, and the Alpha again, the beginning, middle, and end"

Reaction from the media and intellectual classes include "Bold", "Daring", "Courageous", "Timely", and "Downright Jeffersonian".



Anonymous Marty said...

Thanks for the plug, Ben. Your the alpha and the omega (lower case, of course). Don't ever change, man.

BTW, I fully expect to see someone holding up a sign at an Obama rally that says "Barack 3:16"

12:42 PM  
Blogger Benjamin said...

Thanks, Marty. Inspired again by your comment, I added an extra "verse" in the article.

12:49 PM  

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